It’s no secret Brit’s struggle to discuss our most intimate moments. Sex is replaced with ‘doing it’ or ‘sleeping with someone’, and let’s not even get started with all the names and phrases we have come up with to reference the vulva. We have become so shrewd in referring to ourselves as sexual beings, that we are even falsely calling our vulva a vagina and vice versa.
Sex for everyone is different, it is complicated and messy and wonderful all at the same time. But when the porn film ends, the directors yell cut or the book ends its sexy chapter, it leaves me with a lot left to be desired. Where are the moments that make these interactions real? The awkward laughs, the quick check your period has finished, the conversation that the period hasn’t finished, the half dressed run to the bathroom and the sex position that you didn’t realise left your butt-hole on clear display to your other half. These moments are what make sex the fantastic human exchange that it is. That you can be so raw and intimate that nothing else matters. In that moment, they aren’t judging the way you look or what you do, they’re just glad that you’re naked together wishing that you’re both feeling quite literally, orgasmically happy.
Sex isn’t always as romantic as I just made that sound, but there is an awful lot more that goes on in and out of the sheets that society likes to leave out in its rendition of these intimate moments. I can’t solve all of our aversions to discussing sex in a short piece of writing, but I can start to normalise things the best I can.
PEEING AFTER SEX
Ladies, UTIs are no joke, which is why peeing after sex should be taken just as seriously. Sex forces a lot of bacteria in, up and around sensitive body parts and going for a quick wee after your fun can help flush some of that bacteria out. Not to mention if you’re having sex without a condom, this is also an excellent opportunity to get rid of some of the “products” of your efforts. The movies never portray that super elegant rush to the bathroom with a tissue between your legs and all I’m saying is, I see you, and we all do it.
The jury is still out on people’s opinions on period sex. Some women love it, others don’t want to be touched with a barge pole. Some men have no issue, others seem to think menstrual blood is the scariest thing since the exorcist. But here is the bottom line, it is totally normal and healthy to have sex on your period and lots of people do it. In fact, there are studies out there that suggest (due to heightened oestrogen and lower progestogen levels during our time of the month) many women can actually feel hornier. Coupled with the fact that having sex, or masturbating can help ease period cramps, then suddenly getting frisky might seem like the perfect thing to do on your period.
LUBE DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE OLD
Using lube in the bedroom doesn’t mean you’re a dried up old prune, it also doesn’t mean you’re subconsciously not in the mood or that you don’t find your partner attractive. Lube is just a great little tool to smooth things along, ease in your favourite sex toys and bring a different sensation to the activities. Vaginas can be dry, and it doesn’t matter that you’re still ‘young’ or in your perceived ‘sexual prime’, our bodies do what they need us to. If that means that you have to introduce some silky lube which smells delicious into the mix, then so be it.
ORGASMS ARE NOT A GIVEN
Sometimes, we just aren’t feeling it. We are too tired, stressed, tipsy, sensitive or for no reason at all, not going to get there. When we don’t reach orgasm it throws a lot of feelings into the mix. Do you lie and fake it? Will telling them hurt their feelings? Not being able to ‘perform’ sexually causes a lot of anxiety on both sides of the relationship, but it is a stigma that should be put to bed. Sometimes we just don’t orgasm and that is through no fault of yours or your partner. The best thing you can do is keep the conversation open and honest, and communicate when things aren’t going to happen. Shrug it off, whack on some Netflix and just enjoy each others company.
But ladies, promise me you’ll never fake an orgasm again.