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Live Your Best Sex Life: Lets Talk About Sex, Baby… Improving Sexual Communication

Live Your Best Sex Life: Lets Talk About Sex, Baby… Improving Sexual Communication

With one swift google of the terms sex and communication, the top few hits all seem to say the same; ‘ways to communicate about sex’ or ‘how to improve your sex communication’. It is clear my horny friends, we have issues talking about our sex lives, even with the people who we share these intimate moments with. 

Do you have trouble with sexual communication?

WHY DO WE STRUGGLE TO COMMUNICATE? 

Sex is still shrouded in secrecy and there is an air of reluctance to talk about something which happens an average of 1-2 times a week for sexually active Brits. Sex is such an integral part of many people’s lives and relationships, yet we often struggle to be vocal, open and honest about it. It starts young with sex education being pigeon-holed into an hour or two on where babies come from and how to use a condom. Then as you move through life, as a boy you might talk about masturbation, as a girl it was all about losing your virginity. Then suddenly you break into the adult world having been armed with no more than what a condom is and whatever you might have learnt from corners of the internet. Some might have got it lucky and had more of an open line of discussion about sex and sexuality, but too often we are left to navigate this sexy world alone, which can’t be doing any favours for communication in any setting. 

This is not to ignore that we have certainly come a long way and talk a lot more openly about our sex lives than previous generations ever did. But the systemic way in which our society navigates its way around sex has led to a culture which still sees talking about sex as dirty, impolite or shameful. Not only does this force discussions about sex in society right under the covers, but it impacts sexual relationships themselves. 

Too often in new relationships many people, particularly women, can find it difficult to communicate what they want or like in the bedroom for fear of what their partner might think. Being too open and honest is conflated with being ‘slutty’, ’bossy’ or at worst, ‘emasculating’. Men are supposed to know what women want, and vice versa, and the discussion might come later. 

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO COMMUNICATE?

Pushing aside changing society and its attitudes towards sex, learning to communicate about our intimate moments with sexual partners is important because it simply means we get more of what we want and less of what we don’t want. Life is too short for bad sex, and if the secret to working towards better sex is saying what feels good and what doesn’t, we should all have pretty amazing sex lives right now. 

The key thing to remember is this: you deserve good sex and orgasms, and so does your partner. It is not selfish to say you like your nipples being kissed as much as it isn’t selfish to say you don’t want olives on your pizza. It is all personal preference and everyone is different. You can’t expect your new sexual partner to like the same things as your last one, so take the time to ask what they like and they should do the same. A one-size-fits all approach to sex will ultimately lead to a distinctly average time if you can’t have open and honest conversations about likes, dislikes and fantasies.

SO HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE TO LIVE OUR BEST SEX LIVES?

1. LAY THE FOUNDATIONS

The foundation of sexual communication will always be consent and contraception. Knowing your most basic of boundaries and coming to adult decisions about your contraceptive preferences can get the ball rolling for a safe and healthy sexual relationship. Know what you want and what you feel comfortable with and communicate it clearly. Once these have been established and a line of communication is drawn, you can get down to discussing the fun stuff. 

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2. OWN IT

Be proactive and take control of your own sex life. Lying there and accepting what comes (or doesn’t) is just as useful as asking the hairdresser to surprise you and then being disappointed with the result. If you aren’t sure of what you like, then it is even more reason to start the conversation. Go on a journey of sexual self-discovery – which I always think is best to embark on alone at first, and then work on it with a partner. Try things out with an open mind and say when things feel good or when they don’t quite hit the spot. It’ll be a process of trial and error but the most important thing to remember is there are no right answers, just personal preference. 

3. POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

Don’t forget that communication does not mean criticism. If you don’t like something don’t be so quick to tell your partner they are doing a bad job, instead work on positively asking for things you would enjoy. Along with this, remember communicating also means listening. Listen to what your partner wants and how they feel, and enjoy the process. 

Sex is supposed to be fun, intimate and ultimately, feel good. Keep this in mind, and go fourth and live your best sex life. 

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